Saturday, April 30, 2011

I was hoping you'd find me here

Oh, did you want to see kids with progeria? Well good! Because I know just the blog for that. . .

Next, my blog with be the result of a search for gangrene. And then maybe polygamy.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

You have been thus warned

Dear men who are married, engaged, or have in some way made another person believe that you are committed to them,

If you SHAMELESSLY flirt with me and I find out about your afore mentioned condition after you've been Flirty McTotalDouchebag, I will be a bitch to you. Because that is what you deserve.


Monday, April 25, 2011

I used to be so naive

Once upon a time I was convinced that jeans were comfortable, so I wore them a lot. But then I broke away from the slavery that is designer denim and I admitted that I actually don't like wearing pants that much at all. However, as comfortable as pants-less is, it isn't as widely accepted as jeans (that actually might not be true; pants-less is pretty accepted). Long story short, silk pants make the world go 'round. Suck it JEANS.

P.S. I also used to think that snake bites weren't really a big deal. Turns out that's not true either.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Sabbath ya'll

It's been said lately that my blog can be perceived as rather negative, and I get that. The things I find funny usually take form in hyperbole, sarcasm, and the f word. So in light of expressing that I'm not a bitter old maid sitting at home in my tattered house-sweater bitching about all the government conspiracies (we didn't go to the moon) I wanted to post something. . .nice.  Or at least something not entirely sardonic.

With this photo I was originally going to say something like "wow Jesus, you're so. . .glowy" and thought what, with it being Easter and all, it would be a perfect time to crack a joke about Jesus. But the more I stared at this face (though I'm certain this face is just a face because we are human and need something tangible- you know, the entirety of creation not being enough and all) the more I couldn't shake the feeling of being an idiot. Today, the day we CELEBRATE the greatest gift ever given to humanity, the sacrifice and VICTORY of the King, that we may avoid death and live as royal heirs, and I'm going to say "wow Jesus, you're so glowy"? I've got to be some special kind of slow for that.

But the truth is, slow and all- I've been redeemed. I have been saved by the King and adopted into His family- and not even like red-headed-step-child adopted, but like jewel-in-His-crown adopted. So, in light of the fact that some times I say the stupidest things (or at least want to) but God loves me enough, as the patient father that He is, to pull me aside and whisper into my ear until I'm willing to hear Him remind me that His Son is not a joke- I rejoice.  I rejoice because as a daughter of the King it is my right, privilege, and honor to open my mouth and exclaim His glory. Jesus, greatest of kings, giver of life, and redeemer of all things broken, you are wondrous.

(And now I seriously can't look my candle in the face.)

Friday, April 22, 2011

I've made the decision to fall in love with Tina Fey

You know who does have a funny bone in her body?
Your mom every night for a dollar.  
– Tina Fey

You can read the extended version here

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Trust me, I'm a Doctor

A friend and I use to joke about organizations for literacy, because it's really easy to forget an organization's name while being familiar with their cause, and there is a big difference between an organization for literacy and an organization for illiteracy. In as much as there is a difference between an organization for AIDS and an organization for educating people about AIDS. The point- is that today I was thinking about the medical missions group Doctors Without Borders but ended up calling it Doctors Without Boundaries. Which, is not the same thing.

And now I'm curious how many other charity organizations I could make sound like they're inappropriately touching people. . .

Monday, April 18, 2011

Cheese isn't enough

#1 I have certainly taken this from Dooce, it's not theft if I credit her, right? I mean, this is The Internet after all.

#2 It should come as no surprise to anyone that with my uber Caucasian parents, and my growing up primarily in the back woods of the Northwest, I'm pretty white. And not even like red-neck-Southern-drawl-Texas-pride white, but like, peanut-butter-sandwiches-and-no-athletic-skills white. So maybe this explains my ever-growing fascination with other cultures. And maybe by culture I also mean art forms that are so beyond my imagination.

This video gave me chills. I especially love their little laugh at the beginning and their extended embrace at the end.

      "The other day, I was lucky enough to be at an event to bring the arts back into schools and got to see an amazing collaboration between Yo-Yo Ma and a young dancer in LA, Lil Buck. Someone who knows Yo-Yo Ma had seen Lil Buck on YouTube and put them together. The dancing is Lil Buck's own creation and unlike anything I've seen. Hope you enjoy" --Spike Jonze


p.s. Did you catch my culture joke about cheese?!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Congratulations (you little suckers)!

This year my roommate and her beau got engaged. Being the rustic, anti-suburbia type that they are, they wanted to stick it to the man and not have a "real" wedding. In fact, prior to actual engagement they were pretty set on eloping. A quick shot down to the court house and then back to rock climbing and making their own granola in their Vibram Five Fingers. But the sound of your mom's voice regarding the blasphemy of blasphemies that you would even consider not having your family present for the most important day of your life and. . .your stuck having a real ceremony.

They were still pretty optimistic about what they could get away with though. No wedding party, no fancy venue, no expensive dress! And lots of alcohol. (Seeing as they've both attended bible college, the alcohol is important. People need to know that both Christ and hops will be a vital part of their marriage.) The next logical step was to have a living room wedding. You find your mom's old wedding dress, have it altered, and then who isn't charmed by the fact that you got married in someones living room? So perfectly 1970's anti-big America. Someone light a joint.

This next step should have probably clued them in to the fact that they have really just been pawns in the big scheme of wedding planning. At this point they were just being dragged along until they were so exhausted by all of their non-planning that the actual shift in "barbecue in someones back yard" to "you now have to pick out bridesmaids dresses" was too much for them to fight against. But since having a ceremony in a park isn't that much different than having a ceremony in a living room, save for the number of people, they we're still pretty satisfied with their non-wedding. Pssh, you can't make us put up decorations!

But somewhere between "you've invited uncle so-and-so?" and "you didn't invite your 4th cousin twice removed? He will be offended" the guest list got to the point where not having a wedding party is like saying "No, I don't need your help lying to myself about the fact that I'm having an actual wedding, I can do it all by myself!". But the truth is they can no longer lie to themselves about their wedding status. They're having a real ceremony, in a real park, with a real wedding party. And not just "my sister, your brother" but five on each side. Five. They're having flower arrangements, and wedding colors, and a rehearsal dinner. At a seafood restaurant. They need that wedding party now because if you're spending the day with people you didn't really want to spend the day with, you should at least be able to get a little tipsy with your friends while getting ready.

My heart goes out to my little thinly-veiled-(no pun intended) closeted hippie friends, I would have loved to have not been there for their elopement. But, weddings being resolutely unstoppable what they are, I shall toast to my friends and enjoy all of their alcohol.

And at least at the end of the this, they get to comfort each other with all of the sex gifts.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Make work your new favorite

Some days I think: 
I should look professional today! 

And some days I think:
I should wear yellow jeans to work!


Also, these are some things I enjoyed about my job lately:

A screen saver that says: What have YOU done to prevent pressure ulcers today?
(well, what have you done?)

This inspirational poster: Reach high, for stars are hidden in your soul.
(Come again?)

And by far my favorite quote: I'm not just a big angry guy who wants to cat scan babies!
(Uhh whoops. Sorry Doctor, I'll quit spreading that rumor then.)

You wouldn't get these gems if you worked at Macy's.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Out of Africa and into my heart

What? Another movie of pure fashion inspiration? I know I know, my life is SO boring. Sue me.
But come on- neutrals, hats, perfectly tousled hair? Yes please! Not to mention- tea in the afternoon, a tiny owl that lives on your vanity (seriously, where do I get one?), and sure, I could do without the syphilis but wouldn't I just wrap Robert Redford around my shoulders and sport him as my best accessory ever. Yes, I WOULD. He would go with everything.

Please excuse my face for the next week while I try and prefect this flawlessness.

And, I'll leave you with THIS:

You're welcome.

P.s. Unless there is a movie out there where a woman is single past a socially acceptable age so she essentially pays a friend to marry her and then gets syphilis because her husband is a man-whore and then falls in love with a transient who refuses to marry her who later dies in a plane crash and her farm burns down and then she has to move back in with her parents and then MAYBE SOMEONE KILLS SOME PUPPIES,  there probably isn't a sadder movie out there.

Credit in order: jennyljungberg, blaubushka, madonnafansworld, habituallychic, mmorrow, maggie-mgill

Friday, April 8, 2011

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Hello, operator?

As an active participant in the generation that sincerely has no idea what life would like like without technology (save for watching reruns of The Waltons) I think that there should be some societal guidelines to follow- you know, similar to "Don't sleep with other people's spouses" and "Don't push children into oncoming traffic"- nothing too complex, JUST SOME BASIC RULES TO LIVE BY. Just because these aren't actual posted signs (though major props to the first person to put up a sign that reads "don't sleep with my spouse" over their front door) are still expectations of anyone with a conscience.

So I give you, Cell Phone 101:

It is not a walkie talkie. 
So unless you are a five year old (more on that later) or a person so old that the concept of even having a home phone is obscure, hold the phone close to your ear and your mouth simultaneously.

It is not, or should not be, a loud speaker. If I can hear the person on the other line #1 I'm pissed, #2 TURN DOWN THE VOLUME. If turning down the volume is too difficult a task for you please consider what that means about all the technology you shouldn't be allowed to use, based on the fact that you should be smarter than what you're working with.

If you are the parent of a child under the age of oh. . .thirteen (to be generous) I have one a question for you: why the HECK does your kid need a cell phone?

They should be learning SOCIAL skills by TALK-ING TO PEO-PLE and if you pull the whole "it's just for emergencies" crap, what the heck are you letting your kid do that either a) you don't know where they are or b) they aren't in the vicinity of an adult? Please, for the sake of one more person who can't make eye contact or read non-verbal cues, don't. give. your. kid. a cell phone.

If you are a man and you ask for a woman's phone number, you are expected to CALL her before you text her. Texting is the modern day equivalent of honking outside someones home. Just because this woman may not live at home with a father, who on her behalf, will come outside and scare you off with a shotgun because only a jackass would honk at or for a woman, does not mean you aren't a jackass. Call the woman.

If you're in a public place it is NOT an acceptable time to chose a new ring tone.

Lastly, do not text if you are:

Currently talking with someone face-to-face
At a dinner table
Already ON the phone (yes, I can hear you texting!)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Life in photos

The other day I sent that first photo to a friend just to show case my OPI BLACK SHATTER POLISH(!!) and then I realized the photo was actually a pretty accurate snapshot of my life currently: in my car, coffee, nail polish, extra shoes, seashell dress, parking ticket (story of my life always), and oh, are those parking stubs because I work every single day? Indeed.

In other news, I don't know how you can't be charmed  by shoes with wooden soles and do I even need to say anything about Freckle Face Mcgee?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Life wisdom

 As I was just putting on chapstick a guy walked by me and said "that doesn't work. It creates a false sense of security".

Why thank you, guy with information that is PERTINENT TO MY LIFE. Because Lord knows I really need to quit lying to myself about my hydration situation.

I know to say that "money can't buy me love but it can sure buy me this awesome thing!" is uber cliché at this point buuuuut. . .money did buy me this dress which I loved at first sight, and now that it's 10 inches shorter I love it even more, so when money is the seed of a love that just keeps growing, I really don't know how you can argue with a love like that. Oh, and if that seed was only $4, you can probably take your ideals about love and money and shove em, 'cause I love this dress and it loves me back! And we're running away together and you can't stop us! We don't care if we're young and poor, all we need is our love to survive!