SoDak

Are you thinking about taking a trip through South Dakota? Please allow me to walk you through how that trip will go. . .

The anticipation about seeing Mount Rushmore will get you to Mount Rushmore without too much thought. I mean, dead Presidents carved into a mountain- nothing else quite says "this is America bitches!". You will note that from the initial angle Abe Lincoln and Ted Roosevelt look like they're about to embrace each other in a kiss. But from the designated angle they're much more heterosexual. You're favorite part will be Roosevelt's mustache, and the smirk on Jefferson's face will likely cause you to try and determine what he is thinking. One of the things you come up with will be "I just farted".

After about seven minutes of photos with all of the pose and angle combinations you can come up with you'll begin to wonder what you're suppose to do now. Leaving seems a little anticlimactic. You'll probably buy a t-shirt and a magnet so that you can often and fondly remember the time you spent with America's stone fathers. As you leave you should probably thank them for their contributions.

By this time you'll have likely seen brochures for Crazy Horse, another stone monument that is a mere twenty miles away. And if you've spent ANY time in Wyoming you know that our Native history is just as (if not more) important than our American history. Now I mean no disrespect to our Native ancestors but I'm going to give you a heads up right now- the monument is not finished, costs $10 per person to view, and will make you wish you could have those twenty miles back. Take a good look at that brochure because I promise you that photo is more satisfying. And it's free.

Next on your itinerary is The Badlands National Park. The fifty mile drive and $15 fee is worth it. At just about any time of day I would imagine this incredible creation reminiscent of The Land Before Time is always as breath taking. Take your kids.

Since South Dakota happens to be deceivingly wide, by this time you will likely be looking for a place to sleep. Now believe it or not, motels WILL be booked, so you will need to reserve a room online ahead of time and if you happen to stay in Kadoka, please stay at the Dakota Inn. If for no other reason but that the old man at the front desk will know who you are not because he asked for your name or ID (he will do neither) but because you will be the only person who has reserved a room online- possibly ever. The carpet is alarmingly red but I'm sure they clean after every time someone is killed. There may or may not be dead crickets in your room.

In the morning you'll be glad that there is a cafe, called CAFE, right across the gravel patch from the Inn. Don't get too excited though, they only take cash. Just continue onward until you see the next stop for a restaurant. This will bring you to a town that displays more signs reading "An 1880 town!" than signs displaying the town's actual name. Upon entering this restaurant you might be fooled into thinking you're about to have an amazing, home-cooked, diner-style meal. And you might be- as long as you don't confuse them by ordering ANYTHING that differs from the six items on their menu- this includes asking for any item without the meat, expecting cheese, asking for your breakfast sandwich on an English muffin, or drinking the coffee. DON'T DRINK THE COFFEE. And don't worry, their neighbor doesn't take as long as you think to deliver the cheese. The American Kraft Singles cheese.

Now South Dakota gets exciting.
Psych!

South Dakota doesn't ever get exciting. They have a lot of Amish people (Driving cars. Yes, it seemed weird to me too.) and people who reenact old saloon robbery scenes JUST FOR FUN in fake old towns, and you might think they have a lot of corn BUT THEY DON'T. So now, NOW, you get to drive. Miles and miles and miles. With nothing to look at except for fields. FIELDS OF NOTHING. Seriously, if South Dakota is growing something I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. And if you're lucky like me, the rain in south Dakota will tear the paint off your car and then you will have car trouble in Sioux Falls, the only place in that state that even resembles a city. And you might think "I bet they have a lot of mechanics here because they probably have to fix their own cars a lot", but you'd be wrong. In fact, the repair shop that everyone recommends to you (which also doubles as a home and garden store) will strangely misplace their mechanic from time to time. The next mechanic you find won't have time for you. But don't worry, three hours, $300, and conversations with strangely friendly local ladies in the auto repair lounge and you'll be good to go.

And go you will. Miles and miles and miles. There is one last site to see in South Dakota. The Corn Palace. And if you have more sanity than I did by the time you get there, by all means, stop! I hear it's a gymnasium on the inside. Which is cool. You know, if you have nothing better to do but shoot hoops in a gymnasium in South Dakota. Possibly with Amish people.

So I get why South Dakota is called the Mount Rushmore state. Their other options were The Amish State, The State That Pretends to Have Corn, or The So-Boring-You-Might-Stab-Yourself-For-Fun State.

Enjoy your travels and God bless America.


-The Monster Queen

Mon-tan-ya

Did you think that Montana was just mountains, and horses, and an extra tall sky? Well shame on you, because it also has sheep. Also, IT'S GORGEOUS. I kid you not, I seldom get romantic about landscape but apparently the settlers forgot to go through Montana because it looks virtually untouched after God painted it beautiful. And my favorite part of my first day in Montana might very well have been hearing this question:

"So, are you a shepherd?"





-The Monster Queen

Pants less painter

I recently participated (am participating) in a scarf swap. When the scarf I would be receiving was on it's way to me I saw a man at my local coffee shop and this man happened to be a house painter. I've noticed here and there that house painters often tie hankercheifs losely around their neck. (For sweat reasons maybe? This gentleman was using it to hold his sunglasses.) And as soon as I saw it I thought "I hope the scarf I'm getting is little so that I can do that!" (Not use it for sweat, but fashion around my neck like so.) And low and beyond, this fine lady sent me this fine scarf! Let the haters hate, but dreams really do come true.



Also, I'm wearing a swimsuit. Thus, the no pants. I can't account for the guy at the coffee shop. . .

An ER farewell

(If you came here to see George Clooney, I apologize, but unfortunately he isn't here.)

I have spent the last nearly five years working in an emergency room. It has always been a great conversation piece, I love that pace of work, and I have had some of the funniest (and saddest) times there. Not to mention, the relationships you develop with people who understand what it's like to be on this side of an emergency really can't be beat.

All that to say, there are DEFINITELY some things that I will. not. miss. 
 

The sound, smell, and appearance of vomit

The sound of a drunk man's head hitting the very solid floor
 
Urine that, based on resemblance, could be confused with mountain dew, mountain dew code red, or lager
 
Mean parents, offspring, and spouses (hey, control freaks! Your loved one is ill, chill the fuck out!)
 
Guys who give their girlfriends venereal disease and act like it must be in the water
 
Screamers
 
People who have no shame and/or modesty. Even while pooping. Especially while pooping.
 
Poop.
 
GANGRENE!
 
Homeless feet smell
 
Morbidly obese smell
 
Pediatric cancer patients, stroke victims, farmers with debilitating hand injuries, and all other things that have made me want to cry

Stinky transient couples who apparently came to the ER to make out

The constant and fairly legitimate fear that I will get excrement splattered on myself


All in all, it has been great. But yeah, it would have been better if George Clooney had shown up.

And now I compare the flu shot to venereal disease

What do venereal disease and the flu vaccine have in common?
You can get both of them at Walmart, most health care facilities, and the back of a touring bus.

So why do I not get a flu shot each year?
BECAUSE IT'S CREEPY.

Okay, that's not the only reason but I'm not going to get into the medicine of it (if you want to give your kids autism vaccinations that's your business) but once you recognize how THEE ENTIRE NATION is trying to get you vaccinated from the flu, you become a little paranoid. Like, when was the last time the entire nation tried to give me a scoop of ice cream? Or when was the last time the entire nation tried to help me get my car tuned up? Hmm? Yeah, that's because the nation isn't just this helpful selfless entity trying to keep everyone healthy and happy. But the nation might try to give everyone venereal disease.

And I'll admit it, I typically get the flu every year. For about a week in February I get sweaty and whiny and I venture to my local grocery store in my pajamas for my annual overdose of Zicam. This is the lot that I've accepted in life. One week of the flu in exchange for avoiding the nation's venereal disease.

But this year, this year, I got duped. Since I do in fact work in a place, the place, that people are going to go if they contract the flu, all employees are strongly encouraged to get the flu shot. And by encouraged I mean harassed. Which is how I ended up getting vaccinated this year. So sure enough February rolled around, I ate my humble pie, and I didn't get the flu.

Way to go flu shot, right? Like, way to do your job. I guess there is something to be said for not getting the flu as long as I can ignore the imagery of horrible things being injected into my body, right?

Which brings us to June 30th. JUNE. FREAKING. 30TH. As in almost July.
(Please pause and consider all of the wonderful things that you would like to do in July. Such as: enjoy the sun, go swimming, have a picnic, NOT GET ROMANTIC WITH A BOX OF KLEENEX AND A NETI POT.)

Which also brings us to Why. The hell. Do I have the flu. IN JUNE?!
It's like giving someone venereal disease and then breaking their heart just for kicks. On their birthday.

Next year America, I'll take the flu. And I hope you get a herpes outbreak.


(P.s. That bit about autism was a joke, please don't try to beat me up.)

Etiquette Shmetiquette

Because of all the times I've heard ambiguous, or even back handed, comments about my attire or sense of style, I've sincerely begun to wonder if some people would even be able to recognize a compliment if it included the words "I like". And adversely, if they could recognize an insult of it came out of their mouth, bounced off of me and then hit them in the face, leaving marks that might resemble my left fist.

So I've come up with a few simple guidelines to determine if what you're about to say is a compliment (and thus, if you should say it).

Rule #1 

If you are making a comparison (i.e. "that reminds me of [actor/actress, movie, decade]) make sure that you find (and specify that you find!) the object of comparison agreeable. For instance "Hey, that reminds me of Madonna. And I really liked when she did that!". You see, if you don't specify that the comparison is good I'm forced to say things like "Oh, well. . .I guess I will just chose to take that as a compliment" because I'm not quite sure that the fact that my haircut reminds you of a ten year old is a compliment. And if it isn't a compliment, I'm not sure how to respond. Because I don't know why anyone would walk around giving their unwarranted and unflattering opinion to persons who don't care. But that's just me. . .

As a side note, if your compliment ends up sounding like "Hey, your haircut reminds me of a ten year old, and I really like ten year olds!" you should know that I'm inclined to protect children. Particularly with dumb bells to the groin.

Rule #2 

If your intention is to say something flattering to someone, it helps if you say it to them and not just near them. Because if I walk into a room and you look at me and say to someone else "Don't you wish that we could play dress-up at work?" I might not know if you're just being a BITCH of if you really think I've dressed up nicely. And confusion is what we're trying to avoid here. (We are also trying to avoid you getting punched in the face).

Rule #3

I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating- if at any point you question whether or not what you are about to say is a compliment- it isn't.


*In conjunction with Rule #1 make sure that your point of reference is positive as well. In other words, if you ask me if my tattoos were a result of drunken decision-making, I would like to thank you for helping me determine that I would not like to ever be your friend.

I know things

When I first started this blog I would keep little notes on my phone of topics I wanted to write about. I pretty much forgot about those notes (turns out having too many posts drafted actually creates anxiety) but I recently rediscovered them and found one titled "Things Men Need to Know About Women".

I opened it, and it was completely blank. Which I found hilarious.  I just imagine myself coming up with the post title and thinking ha! Where do I start?! Then the next second getting a little nauseous, looking confused, and thinking Uhh, maybe I'll come back to this one later. Not only that, but the fact that I had arrogance enough for at least half a second to think that I could compile an adequate list of all the note-worthy differences between men and women is kind of charming, right? I mean sure, having embarrassing amounts of estrogen for all these years should have taught me a thing or two about us vagina-card carriers, and wouldn't I be sweet to give helpful tips to the other gender, but if you've been reading this blog for any length of time you've probably already guessed that said tips would be less helpful and more STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE, FUCKER. Which. . .come to think of it, is something men need to know, and since I do know so much about the things men need to know I probably should write a post on that.

Other upcoming blog entries on topics I also know a lot about:

Feline HIV
Everything New Mothers Need to Know
Polygamy; it Teaches Sharing! 
Neurosurgery
How to Have a Happy Divorce
How to Tell if Your Kids Will Be Serial Killers
Life Without Shopping
Transgender and Dating

Please stay tuned.