Even if he hadn't been chewing tobacco. . .

Favorite part of being single: determining that a guy is a douche approximately 7.5 seconds into conversation.

Me: "So do you like it here?"

Him: "I miss Phoenix. There is this one area of town where there are like, 13 bars and clubs all lined up on one strip. It's really nice."

Aaaaand I'm gonna go ahead and pass on being the next recipient of his venereal disease.

I'm presently obsessed

With:

Harem pants.

I didn't think it would ever happen for me but. . .it did and now I'm all "Oh you can't tell where my crotch is in these pants? TOUGH".

Jump suits and things reminiscent of the 90s (okay, I'm always obsessed with things reminiscent of the 90s).

Is it costume-y? Is it sequin-y? Is it a jumpsuit reminiscent of the 90s?! I want to say something obnoxious like "fashion-gasm" but. . . I'll refrain.

Clothing that reminds me of calico cats? It’s odd, because it's honestly kind of dull. I mean, the color scheme isn't exciting and almost seems wrong. . .it's black and grey and funky shades of brown but there is this little part of me that wants to fold Pippa Middleton up and carry her around in a tote occasionally feeding her kitty treats and rubbing her belly. And then there is this other part of me that wishes Pippa Middleton and I were BFFs and I weighed about 63 lbs so that we could share that dress.

Lastly, Drake. How can you get enough of that smile?? You can't, it's science.

All photos credit

Current Favorite Photo

I'll always love California.

credit

Holla!

Hi. I'm Sarah. 

I'm from the eighties. 

AND I REPRESENT.

Anyone up for an episode of Alien Nation and some Push Pops?

Is somethin' wrong with your underpants?

Did someone on Facebook say something you don't like? 

You should probably get your panties in a wad about it.

 

And then, you should passive aggressively comment on said topic in order to let the entire Facebook community know that your panties are in fact, in a wad.

The passive aggression is necessary otherwise people might confuse you with someone who is mature enough to NOT GET THEIR PANTIES IN A WAD OVER FACEBOOK CRAP.

I have a friend who is a teacher in a third grade classroom and one of the tools she uses to help the students assess their problems is to ask them "is this a big deal or a little deal?".

My favorite part of this helpful tool is how belittling it sounds when used among adults. Because after you wave your wadded up panties around Facebook like a freak flag, I want to sit you in a tiny chair, look down at you and ask "now, is this a big deal, or is this a little deal?". And if you really want to say "big deal" (I know you do) I want to remind you that sometimes people say things on Facebook just to be controversial (i.e. get attention) and when you respond to said controversial topics in a manner exactly as they'd hoped, you are only feeding the insanity that is High School Didn't End When You Graduated. In Fact, It Only Ends When You Stop Acting Like You're in High School. So yes, I know someone offended your religious beliefs or said something political about the party they support, but let's be real- you aren't going to stop abortion and change each state's stance on marriage VIA FACEBOOK COMMENT THREAD. Even if it is 36 comments long. (Side note: everyone in that thread who isn't arguing with you, hates you.)

In unrelated news, there is this really cool feature on Facebook that enables you to hide people's posts. In other words if there are people who tend to repeatedly post OBNOXIOUS SHIT that makes you want to revert to the third grade version of yourself you can HIDE THEIR OBNOXIOUS SHIT. Also, there is this cool feature when you become an adult that enables you to shut your mouth and stop arguing on Facebook. It's that button at the top of your screen called Please Stop Taking Everything So Seriously.

Kinda like drugs, but cheaper

If you see me in the next two weeks and I'm still wearing this outfit it isn't because I'm too lazy to do laundry (serious though, I need to buy some new underwear) it's because this is my most favorite outfit ever. In fact, I'm not sure how I've lived so long without it.

 Dude, I'm smiling in the majority of these photos. That's what I like to call a thrift store high.

Sex noises

Are not an appropriate response to pain.


Not to mention, do I come to your work and make sex noises?


No. I do not.